The transition from Junior College to University was pretty drastic. To be completely honest, I did not enjoy myself in JC. I regretted my choice of subject combination and the sole purpose of JC felt like a two-year examination training programme. Everyone was all about studies, and it was slightly pressurising especially when I did not do well in school and had to go for remedial lessons for at least three subjects. When I finally entered University in 2012, I was so excited. I chose a major which I love and freshman year was so much fun. I enjoyed school. It was very experimental and stress-free. I was active in hall too, joining committees and attending all the hall events. This change resulted in some consequences too. Things changed between my then-partner and I. We were moving onto different phases in life (army versus university). Our priorities changed and we eventually broke it off at the end of my freshman year.
I started diary writing not long later, 2014. It was relieving, and it felt like no one could judge me. That year was rough though. I started dating another person (now my current partner) who had a completely different personality than me. I guess that was why we were attracted to each other then. There were times we couldn't agree on things, and our opinions were so different. We argued pretty often, and there was a lot of crying on my side. But being a hopeless romantic, I held on to this relationship which seemed to have a bleak future. The journal was basically my best friend that year. I am not someone who tell people my problems. My friends didn't know what was going on and I never said anything. At that point of time, my sadness was reserved only to be experienced when I was all by myself.
2015 came and it's time for a new journal. This time, I thought I should get a larger one with blank pages so I could either write or draw in it. I found a 365 days one from Kikki.K, and it was almost perfect (other than the colour, but I didn't have many choices so whatever). I started to draw a lot to express myself. The drawings were accompanied by text, and every time I wallow in sadness, I get so inspired to make drawings and write in my diary. I drew when I was angry, when I was stressed with work in school, when I argued with my partner etc. It came to a point where I 'enjoyed' being sad. I liked how crying made me feel better and that I always looked forward to bedtime because that was the only time of the day I didn't have to worry about anything.
Scans from my 2015 journal.
My partner has always been bringing this topic up, about how he is bothered whenever I am sad and it affects his mood. I always ended up saying that I will try to change but I never did. We've talked about this for so long and I had the idea of exploring the theme on 'Happiness' for my Final Year Project. I was tired of being sad all the time and I felt bad that others had to deal with my sadness. I tend to not like to talk to people when I am sad, even when I am home, I got annoyed when my mum tried to talk to me. I hated myself for making my loved ones bear the consequences of my persisting sadness and hence I was motivated to find ways to change my mindset. I had to change the way I look at things. I needed a new perspective, and so I decided to use my FYP as a platform for self-improvement. At the same time, I know I am not the only person who bathes in negativity all the time. I know I have friends who are also easily affected by things around them, and I hope to help people like me find their happiness.
So yes, that is all from the bottom of my heart.
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